Can I Trust Myself?
For as long as I can remember, I seek guidance from external sources. And if I’m really honest, it goes beyond guidance. I look to others to tell me what I should do. I waffle, obfuscate, and surrender to others who I believe know better than me.
Of course, seeking guidance and learning from others who have experience in a particular area can be the wisest decision of all—especially when I truly do not know the answer. “I don’t know” has delivered a perfect release in many instances for me. But what about the gut feelings? Intuitive thought?
Inspired moments remain inspired for only so long for me. Then doubt and fear creep in and crash the party. I’m 38 years old and still seek external approval. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I’ve read a morning meditation for over six years but can’t call it meditation. But over the last two months, quiet meditation has taken front and center in my morning routine—my morning practice.
In those quiet moments before the sun rises, I’ve grown closer to my own truth and deepest desires. A calling to work of service through talents I know I possess blossoms from one seedling of awareness. My true purpose slowly reveals itself to me.
I’ve been attached to one construct of what it means to be a successful writer. I put mentors and admired authors on a plane on high. Their lives have been my goal: literary fabulosity! I take what they suggest as the word:
“Maybe you should start a blog and not write fiction.”
“I think you need finish something instead of work on your novel.”
“Pursue an MFA.”
“An MFA will just cause more problems for you.”
“Outline.”
“Don’t outline.”
With conflicting suggestions, I freeze and do nothing. During a recent meditation an inspired awareness came fast and strong. Your definition of a fulfilling writer’s life can look anyway you want. What? Huh? Freedom of thought and action? Now that’s crazy talk.
Little by little, I’m learning to find my voice. I’ve always been chatty and boisterous and say what’s on my mind—as an attempt to entertain and distract you. But that no longer serves me. I’m clearer on what I want to manifest, more than ever in my life. Of course, doubt and fear still hold me at bay from speaking this to you. However, those forces and falsities lose the battle a little more each day. I’m learning to trust myself.
Do you have truths burning in your heart that you haven’t spoken? What holds you back?
Quote graphic credit.
